


In Which Natasha is Smug (Or How Thor's Chest Became More Distracting Than Usual)

by weird_situation



Series: In Which Loki's Shenanigans Give Fury a Headache [4]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/F, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-30
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 01:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a magical sex change. Thor has a fantastic chest and a fondness for appletinis. How Darcy hasn't been fired yet we may never know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Natasha is Smug (Or How Thor's Chest Became More Distracting Than Usual)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not as satisfied with this one, but I don't know if fiddling around with it for another week will do any good, so might as well post it now.

Loki was a little shit.   
  
He’d managed to turn the Avengers into the opposite sex during their latest battle. Clint, Natasha, and Thor took it in stride, continuing to fight until Loki disappeared. Bruce had been hulked out, but Loki’s spell had reverted him to his human form, albeit a form that had changed a bit. Steve faltered for a few seconds, but he got right back into the fight. They were concerned, but holding it together.   
  
Tony, well, he was fine until the battle was over.    
  
“Where is my cock?” Tony shouted at the spot where Loki had been a moment ago. “I want it back! And get rid of these boobs! They feel funny...” his voice trailed off as he landed on the ground and retracted the faceplate on his helmet.   
  
Clint almost fell off the roof of the building he’d been positioned on, he was laughing so hard at Tony’s distress. His center of balance being completely shifted didn’t help either.   
  
“It’ll come back eventually I’m sure. None of these transformations have lasted longer than a few days,” Natasha said, unzipping her suit to get a little breathing room.   
  
“Natasha. Your pecs are a work of art, I have to say,” Clint said after making his way down from the building.   
  
“Your chest isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen.” Clint grinned at her and they fist bumped each other at the look of horror that crossed Tony’s face.   
  
“Why is no one else freaking out?!” Tony’s voice went to a whole new level of shrill now that he was capable of speaking in a higher register.   
  
“I have been made a maiden many a time before. It is one of my brother’s favorite tricks,” Thor said, removing armor that no longer fit properly as he walked over to where Clint and Natasha were comparing chests. He proudly thrust out his chest, now just covered in a thin undershirt, and Clint and Natasha conceded defeat when faced with his almighty breasts.   
  
Steve just rubbed a hand over his face at his team’s antics.   
  
“Heya Coulson!” Clint chirped brightly as the agent made his way over to them. “I have to say, I’m a little disappointed you’re still a man. I would have loved to have seen you as a woman.” He licked his lips lewdly and pouted as Coulson frowned at Clint before he turned to Thor.   
  
“How long would Loki’s spells usually last?”   
  
Crossing his arms, Thor thought about the times Loki had turned him into a female before. He didn’t notice the way everyone’s eyes were drawn to his chest, and the way his crossed arms emphasized it.   
  
“A few days at most, like the other transformations he has thrust upon us thus far,” Thor finally replied, sighing heavily, and once again drawing attention to his chest. Clint was beginning to suspect he did it on purpose. The smirk Thor shot in his direction only served to cement this thought.   
  
Steve blushed when Natasha grinned at him, and he looked down, jumping a little when he saw his own chest. It was...there. And straining against his suit.   
  
“I think we need to get into some more appropriate clothing,” Steve said, avoiding everyone’s eyes. Especially Tony’s (which really wasn’t that hard to do, considering Tony’s eyes were locked on Steve’s chest.).   
  
Bruce finally made his way over to the group, arms wrapped around his chest in an attempt to hide the fact that he was naked from the waist up. His pants were hanging off his hips, and Bruce was torn between pulling them up and keeping his torso covered. Coulson quickly removed his jacket and placed it around the other man. Smiling gratefully, Bruce put the jacket on properly before pulling up his pants.   
  
“I don’t know, I kind of like Bruce’s outfit.” Tony leered at him, and Natasha punched him in the arm. “Ow! Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to hit a lady?”   
  
“Trust me, if you were a lady I’d be doing more interesting things than just hitting you.” Natasha started walking over to the SUVs waiting to take them back to headquarters.   
  
“Did she just come on to me? I think she did.”   
  
“I think you’re delusional,” Clint said, bounding after Natasha.   
  
“Don’t be jealous, Barton! Just because Natasha wants my body more than yours doesn’t mean she loves you any less. It just means she loves me more.”    
  
Bruce and Steve were already heading to the SUVs, and Thor had flown off, leaving Tony alone in his quipping. He pouted and got ready to take off after Thor, but stopped when he noticed a boutique with some fabulously dressed mannequins in the front display.    
  
He had shopping to do.   
  
*   
  
“What are you wearing?”   
  
Everyone turned to the doorway of the conference room to see Tony strut in wearing a white sundress.   
  
“It’s called a dress, I’m sure you’ve seen one at least once or twice in your life, Barton.”    
  
Clint stuck his tongue out at Tony. “Well yeah, but I meant why is it white? You aren’t pure by the stretch of anyone’s imagination.”    
  
Coulson rolled his eyes as Tony smirked.   
  
“Two things. A) Not a wedding dress, so there’s no need for purity and B) I’m pretty sure I’m a virgin in this body. It’s never had sex before. Just saying.” Tony ran his hands down the dress, smoothing away imaginary wrinkles. If Tony took delight in the way Steve’s eyes widened and a light flush came over his face, well, he never said he was a good person.   
  
“Now that we’re all here,” Coulson gave Tony a pointed look, “we can get started.”   
  
Tony rolled his eyes and made his way over to the chair next to Steve.   
  
“Did you shave your legs?” Steve asked under his breath as he watched Tony cross smooth legs.   
  
Tony mentally high fived himself and shifted towards Steve. “Actually, I had them waxed. I had a lot of things waxed.”   
  
“Oh my god! No. Just no. Stop right there, for the love of all that is holy and not holy and damned and I don’t know what else. Just. Stop.” Clint looked like he was about to fall out of his chair. The others turned puzzled faces towards him, except for Steve (who was trying not to think about what Tony was implying and was actually glad for the loss of his penis because it meant no erection to hide and he couldn’t believe he’d ever be grateful to Loki for something like that) and Tony, who smirked and ran a hand up and down his shin before extending the leg in Clint’s direction, flashing a bit of thigh to Steve, who bit his lip and looked away from Tony before he gave into temptation and dragged the other man out of the debriefing.   
  
“I can’t help it if my legs look utterly delectable.” Tony ducked as Clint threw a pen at his head, almost toppling over until he got his leg back underneath him.   
  
“Barton, stop,” Coulson snapped. “Stark. Stop trying to get a rise out of everyone.”   
  
“Only you and Natasha should be rising from me right now.” Tony waggled his eyebrows at the two people in the room currently with dicks.   
  
Coulson sighed and waved a hand in Clint’s direction, implicitly giving the other man permission to start throwing things at Tony’s head again. Tony hid behind Steve to avoid the barrage of writing utensils being aimed at his person.   
  
The door opened and Darcy yelped as a highlighter flew over her head. Fury caught it in his hand before giving Clint a look that promised intense pain if anything else went near him during this debriefing.   
  
“Sorry!” yelled Clint.   
  
“Jesus, boss, I thought you controlled them.” Darcy handed Coulson a stack of files and ignored his muttered “no one can control them” in order to stare at the team. And if her brain stuttered to a halt at the sight of the gorgeous man Natasha currently was, well, who could blame her?   
  
“Can I suck your dick?”   
  
All activity in the room stopped as everyone turned to stare at Darcy. She winced; that wasn’t supposed to have been said out loud. Especially with Fury and Coulson in the room. But she couldn’t help it; Natasha looked  good  as a dude and Darcy was only human.   
  
Natasha smirked as Tony gaped and Steve blushed. Clint high fived Darcy’s hand that was just sort of hanging in his face and Thor laughed. Bruce ignored everyone as he explored his new, female, body.   
  
“Do you think I’ll still hulk out?” he asked, completely oblivious to everything else. He continued to ignore everyone in favor of muttering to himself about the effects of magic on gamma radiation.   
  
Fury cleared his throat pointedly. Darcy shook her head and deliberately turned away from Natasha to focus completely on the director. She could tell he was giggling on the inside about the whole situation, even if he looked ready to kill them all on the outside. Or maybe he was giggling on the inside because he was going to finally kill them all. Either or.   
  
“Would someone like to tell me what we’re going to do about the fact that Loki keeps turning all of you into whatever he feels like for his own amusement?” Fury glared especially hard at Thor.   
  
Darcy wanted to point out it was amusing for her as well (if only because she hadn’t been turned into anything...yet), but the vein throbbing at Fury’s temple discouraged that idea pretty fucking fast.   
  
“I shall send him a request to desist on the Book of Faces,” Thor said earnestly, leaning forward on his elbows, cleavage ready to burst out of his top.    
  
Tony’s eye twitched as he resisted the urge to look down Thor’s shirt. Steve smacked him anyway.   
  
“Anyone who tells you that you hit like a girl needs to be hit by you while you’re a girl. Because fucking ouch.” Tony rubbed his arm pointedly.   
  
“No one tells me I hit like a girl.” Steve grinned at Tony’s huff of laughter.   
  
“Are you two done?” Fury’s voice was sickly sweet. Darcy tensed up in preparation for shit going down.   
  
Tony, ignoring the danger, just fluttered his eyelashes and nodded demurely. Or as demurely as he could get (which wasn’t very).   
  
“All set, buttercup.” Tony had a deathwish. A very  very  large deathwish. Darcy was gonna miss him, but she was pretty sure she got Dummy in the event of his untimely demise, so she just sat back and watched him tempt fate.   
  
Fortunately, fate liked Tony, and Darcy was out of luck when it came to Dummy custody. Again (she tried kidnapping him once; JARVIS was a great help, but Clint foiled her plot accidentally. Or so he said...).   
  
Fury glared and turned to Coulson. “What’s the timeframe on getting them back to normal?”   
  
Looking at Thor, who merely shrugged, Coulson said, “We have no idea, sir.”   
  
Growling in frustration, Fury turned around sharply, leather coat swirling behind him, and exited the room without any further conversation.   
  
“I gotta say, the man knows how to make a dramatic exit,” Darcy said. “Think I’d be able to do the swirly coat thing if I had a jacket like his?”   
  
The various no’s that came from around the room should have bothered her, but Darcy just shrugged and started handing out various forms that needed to be filled out.   
  
“There’s actually a magically induced sex change form?” Tony gave Coulson a look of disbelief.   
  
“Ooh! I remember that one.” Clint clapped his hands together in excitement. “That was the one mission at the club in Portland and Coulson-” The rest of his sentence was muffled as Coulson promptly covered his mouth to prevent the others from learning what had happened in Portland. Coulson didn’t even twitch as Clint began licking and nipping at the hand covering his mouth.   
  
“Yes, Stark, there’s a form for everything.”   
  
“I don’t believe you.”   
  
Coulson, after giving Clint a sharp look that promised punishment (and not the fun kind either) if he said anything further about Portland, removed his hand from Clint’s mouth and crossed his arms.   
  
“There is a form for when you take a bubble bath only to discover the bubbles are actually sentient and planning to overthrow the Canadian government because they dislike hockey. I’m certain there’s a form for everything. Now, fill out the magical sex change form before attempting to seduce Captain Rogers into kinky magical sex change sex.”   
  
Steve coughed and began filling out his form, eyes locked on the paper and ignoring everything around him.   
  
“Does this mean we get kinky magical sex change sex, sir?” Clint asked, only to have Coulson smack him lightly on the back of his head. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He filled out his form quickly and gave it to Darcy before leaving the conference room, yelling something about making himself pretty as the door closed behind him.   
  
Coulson snorted and gave everyone a look that made them return to filling out the forms as fast as they could, except for Natasha who continued to fill hers out at a leisurely pace.   
  
Tony and Steve finished theirs and exited the room at a fast walk, heads together and whispering about god knows what (sex, they were talking about sex).   
  
Thor finished his and dragged Bruce off once his was filled out to have “an epic drinking contest of appletinis” because Tony told him only women could drink them, and now that they had the bodies of women, there was no stopping them. Bruce went along because he liked the taste and he’d managed to swipe one of Tony’s credit cards, so why not?   
  
“I trust I can leave Natasha’s paperwork in your hands?” Coulson smirked at Darcy, and grabbed the finished forms from the other Avengers.   
  
“Yeah. My hands. Paperwork. Yup.” Darcy waved awkwardly until Coulson left the room.   
  
“I believe you said something about a blowjob?” Natasha said as she prowled over to Darcy, magical sex change form laying forgotten on the table.   
  
“Oh god yes.”   
  
*   
  
A loud scream rang throughout the communal floor of Stark Tower and brought everyone running to one of the bathrooms.   
  
“What’s going on?” Natasha asked, gun in hand, eyes scanning the surrounding area for any threats.   
  
“I am bleeding from my vagina! This is not an acceptable state of affairs! When boys get turned into girls there should be frolicking and boob fondling and lesbian sex, not blood dripping from my nether regions!” yelled Tony through the door.   
  
“You know, most of it’s not actually blood, just tissues that need to be disposed of,” Bruce said.   
  
“That is not the point!”   
  
“Well, there’s a very big difference between having your period and bleeding from your vagina. If it’s actually bleeding, there could be a serious problem and we’d definitely need to get it checked out.” Bruce’s smile could be heard clearly in his voice.   
  
“Bruce, no one finds you funny,” growled Tony.   
  
“I find him funny,” Clint said and Steve nodded his agreement. “Steve agrees with me!”   
  
“Traitor,” hissed Steve as Tony started berating him through the door.   
  
“Oh shut up you big baby and let me in,” Darcy opened the door without waiting for Tony’s response.   
  
“What if I was naked in here?”   
  
“Honey, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. And I’ve probably seen better.” Darcy pulled a pad out from under the sink; she didn’t think Tony was quite up for a tampon yet. Baby steps.   
  
“You take that back, you harlot!”   
  
Darcy raised an eyebrow and threw the pad at Tony’s head. “Behave or I’ll leave you to fend for yourself.”   
  
Frowning, Tony looked down at the ground and pouted.   
  
Darcy looked back at the team crowded around the door, pretending they weren’t watching Darcy’s every move. She sighed.   
  
“Let me deal with Tony, then I’ll meet you in the kitchen and you can ask me and Natasha about women’s bodies and what’s going on.”   
  
The others tried not looking relieved as they made their way to the kitchen, leaving Darcy and Tony alone in the bathroom.   
  
“I’ll make you cocoa when we’re done here.”   
  
*   
  
The talk was excruciatingly awkward.    
  
*   
  
“It’s been five days and there’s no indication of when they’ll revert back to normal, much like the other transformations,” Coulson told Fury.   
  
“Unfortunately,” muttered Tony testily. Cramps were not kind to him.   
  
Steve rubbed Tony’s back as Fury glared at the interruption.   
  
“At this point I’m going to put the Avengers on stand down until they can be retrained to accomodate their new bodies.”   
  
A flurry of protests broke out, but at Darcy’s piercing whistle, they settled down again.   
  
“Thank you, Miss Lewis,” Fury ground out.   
  
She smiled sweetly and resumed her highlighting.   
  
“Now as I was say-”    
  
A loud cracking noise interrupted Fury, and he threw his hands up and left the room, correct in his assumption that his latest decision was no longer necessary.   
  
“Oh god, I think I’m about to be dickless again, why are these pants so tight?” Tony whimpered.   
  
Bruce laughed quietly to himself; he’d been wandering around in sweats for the duration of the transformation, no unpleasant tightness anywhere for him. Clint and Natasha simply stripped quickly and swapped clothes, Darcy’s eyes glazing over slightly at the sight. Coulson just rolled his eyes at his assistant and went to fetch proper clothing for everyone.   
  
Thor, who’d started to strip when Clint and Natasha had, was sitting back down in his chair, naked and completely unconcerned about the fact.   
  
“I like naked Thor, we should have him over for tea some time,” Tony said, earning an eyeroll from Steve.   
  
“He’s over for breakfast most days, I think you’ve got enough naked Thor in your life.” Steve pulled his shirt off and unzipped his pants, but those were the only concessions he made to accommodate his body.   
  
“There’s never enough naked Thor.”   
  
“Amen, sister,” said Darcy.   
  
“No girl parts, not a sister.”   
  
“You totally were a sister five minutes ago, so I think I have free reign to call you sister whenever I want.”   
  
“Your liberal arts degree is painfully evident in your use, or lack thereof, of logic.”   
  
“Ooh, burn,” Clint said, easily ducking out of the way of the highlighter thrown at his head by Darcy.   
  
“I may have a liberal arts degree, but I also know where you were last Thursday.”   
  
Tony’s eyes darted around the room, and he tensed as everyone turned towards him. He coughed. “I was a lot of places Thursday.”   
  
“How about at two in the afternoon? Were you a lot of places then?” Darcy smiled, quick and fierce.    
  
“Hey! Do you want a pony? We can get you a pony. Or diamonds. Or deep sea diving lessons.”   
  
“I’ll come for my payment at a later date; right now, I’m taking my girlfriend out for lunch.” She paused, waiting for Natasha to make her way over. “A long, long lunch.”   
  
Natasha allowed herself to be dragged out of the room.   
  
“That means sex,” Clint whispered loudly to Steve.   
  
“I got that, thanks.” Steve rolled his eyes at Clint.   
  
“Can we take a long lunch?” Tony asked Steve. Steve smiled.   
  
“Sure. If you tell me where you were last Thursday.”   
  
“I’m not in the mood for sex anymore.”   
  
Coulson entered the room and raised an eyebrow at Tony. “While I’m delighted to hear that, I think you and Steve should discuss that in a less public forum.”   
  
“It’s you guys; you’re not public.” Tony waved a hand, dismissing Coulson’s words and turned back to Steve. “What do I have to do to make you forget about Thursday?”   
  
Steve shot Tony a heated glance and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the room.   
  
Sighing, Coulson handed Thor some clothing, seeing as he was the only one in the room who needed it now.   
  
“Shall we go and drink the delightful appletinis again to see if their deliciousness has lessened now that we are in possession of our manhoods again?” Thor asked Bruce.    
  
Bruce shrugged. “Sure, why not?” He looked over at Clint and Coulson. “You guys coming?”   
  
“Some of us still have work and cannot take off at,” Coulson checked his watch, “ten thirteen in the morning for appletinis.”   
  
“And some of us are bailing on paperwork for appletinis.” Clint gave Coulson a sloppy salute as he followed Thor and Bruce out the door. “I’ll make sure to save you a seat if you change your mind!”   
  
Coulson made it halfway through Tony’s description of his period before changing his mind.


End file.
